ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
