So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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