If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
