Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
