I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
