I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
