I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
