I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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