Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
