I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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