Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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