I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When are your genitals available?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
