I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
