im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
