I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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