why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize