no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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