I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
