I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
