something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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