I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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