If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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