he shaved USA in his pubs
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
