you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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