i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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