You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
