Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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