Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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