i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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