When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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