there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
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His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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Someone came in the potted fern
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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