had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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