her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
