Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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