I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
