sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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