She told me I should be a condom model.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
