you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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