I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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