I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
