dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
