I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
