So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
