we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
