I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The adults are the big ones right?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
