he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
