About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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