last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
