All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize