Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
