smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
