bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
