Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have already put on my inside pants.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
