she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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