If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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