I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
