Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
